The Best Sentence of the Day

This blog is a cut-up of a dissertation in progress. Each day, I will post my favorite sentence that I have newly scribed. Everything out of context, but suggestive. I hope.

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I'm a game designer, a games researcher, and a future forecaster. I make games that give a damn. I study how games change lives. I spend a lot of my time figuring out how the games we play today shape our real-world future. And so I'm trying to make sure that a game developer wins a Nobel Prize by the year 2032. Learn more here in my bio or get my contact information on my contact page.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Best Sentence #68

Whoops! So busy working yesterday I forgot to blog. But don't worry. I didn't dare take the day off... even if it is Memorial Weekend.

Today I am revising chapters 1 - 4 based on feedback from my co-chairs, so I can submit them to my other committee members. I'm working especially hard to clarify organization and to connect the chapters one to another. So my best sentence for the day is one such connecting effort.

*

Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that situates ubiquitous gaming in a larger possibility space of ubiquitous play and performance, a space in which design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform are very much still being made.

5 Comments:

Blogger italianesco said...

"Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that situates ubiquitous gaming in a larger possibility space of ubiquitous play and performance, a space in which design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform are very much still being made."

REWRITE, baby, REWRITE! WRITING IS RE-WRITING!!! Let's see...

1. Therefore, in the next chapter,
[ok]

2. I propose a classification scheme
[ok]

3. that situates ubiquitous gaming
[why not simply "places ubiquitous gaming"? "situates" sounds far-fetched, a tad...hmmm... pretentious?

4. in a larger possibility space
[what's a "possibility space"? don't you mean simply a "context" or a "scheme"? unless
"possibility space" has a particular meaning in gaming culture, I'd say "context" is the perfect word. Or, failing that, "scheme." "Possibility space" sounds a bit...hmmm... See #3 above!

5. of ubiquitous play and performance,
[ok]

6. a space in which
[shouldn't it be "a context..."? See #4.
Someone in the NYT said something to the effect that a "which" followed by a preposition is not that "fetching" :-) So how about "a context where..."]

7. design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform
[again that "which" after a preposition... and then what do you mean by "ends"? Purposes? Goals? Then the verb "perform" doesn't go too well there. And the word order, the placement of that "should" sounds a bit off. How about "for what ends/purposes SHOULD we and our technologies strive"? Or "to what goals SHOULD we and our technologies aspire"?

8. are very much still being made.
[Here I'd suggest "in the making" and change the word order a bit]

Ok. Let's throw it all together. All my suggestions are in [ ]:

"Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that [places] ubiquitous gaming in a larger [context/scheme] of ubiquitous play and performance, a [context/scheme] where design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to [what] ends [should] we and our technologies [aspire] are [still] very much [in the making]."

Doesn't it sound a bit better? Doesn't it FLOW a lot better? It does to me! Even if you are writing "technicalese," I'm sure your Dissertation committee will appreciate reading sentences that FLOW with a bit of "flair" to them and make the reading a bit easier and more pleasant.

I'll go through the rest of your 67 "best sentences" and do the same! :-)

12:29 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

I am preserving your odd unsolicited critique only because I believe it is always a good thing to document bizarre online phenomena.

1:08 PM  
Blogger What Does It Matter Anyways? said...

Jane... you need me as your manager.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Jan said...

The above has got to rate as one of the best put-down's I have ever seen.

2:45 AM  
Anonymous Hard reset said...

Totally agree with you

1:08 AM  

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