Best Sentence #68
Whoops! So busy working yesterday I forgot to blog. But don't worry. I didn't dare take the day off... even if it is Memorial Weekend.
Today I am revising chapters 1 - 4 based on feedback from my co-chairs, so I can submit them to my other committee members. I'm working especially hard to clarify organization and to connect the chapters one to another. So my best sentence for the day is one such connecting effort.
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Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that situates ubiquitous gaming in a larger possibility space of ubiquitous play and performance, a space in which design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform are very much still being made.
Today I am revising chapters 1 - 4 based on feedback from my co-chairs, so I can submit them to my other committee members. I'm working especially hard to clarify organization and to connect the chapters one to another. So my best sentence for the day is one such connecting effort.
*
Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that situates ubiquitous gaming in a larger possibility space of ubiquitous play and performance, a space in which design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform are very much still being made.
posted by Jane | 5:53 PM
6 Comments:
"Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that situates ubiquitous gaming in a larger possibility space of ubiquitous play and performance, a space in which design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform are very much still being made."
REWRITE, baby, REWRITE! WRITING IS RE-WRITING!!! Let's see...
1. Therefore, in the next chapter,
[ok]
2. I propose a classification scheme
[ok]
3. that situates ubiquitous gaming
[why not simply "places ubiquitous gaming"? "situates" sounds far-fetched, a tad...hmmm... pretentious?
4. in a larger possibility space
[what's a "possibility space"? don't you mean simply a "context" or a "scheme"? unless
"possibility space" has a particular meaning in gaming culture, I'd say "context" is the perfect word. Or, failing that, "scheme." "Possibility space" sounds a bit...hmmm... See #3 above!
5. of ubiquitous play and performance,
[ok]
6. a space in which
[shouldn't it be "a context..."? See #4.
Someone in the NYT said something to the effect that a "which" followed by a preposition is not that "fetching" :-) So how about "a context where..."]
7. design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to which ends we and our technologies should perform
[again that "which" after a preposition... and then what do you mean by "ends"? Purposes? Goals? Then the verb "perform" doesn't go too well there. And the word order, the placement of that "should" sounds a bit off. How about "for what ends/purposes SHOULD we and our technologies strive"? Or "to what goals SHOULD we and our technologies aspire"?
8. are very much still being made.
[Here I'd suggest "in the making" and change the word order a bit]
Ok. Let's throw it all together. All my suggestions are in [ ]:
"Therefore, in the next chapter, I propose a classification scheme that [places] ubiquitous gaming in a larger [context/scheme] of ubiquitous play and performance, a [context/scheme] where design decisions about what should be made ubiquitous, who should play, and to [what] ends [should] we and our technologies [aspire] are [still] very much [in the making]."
Doesn't it sound a bit better? Doesn't it FLOW a lot better? It does to me! Even if you are writing "technicalese," I'm sure your Dissertation committee will appreciate reading sentences that FLOW with a bit of "flair" to them and make the reading a bit easier and more pleasant.
I'll go through the rest of your 67 "best sentences" and do the same! :-)
I am preserving your odd unsolicited critique only because I believe it is always a good thing to document bizarre online phenomena.
Jane... you need me as your manager.
The above has got to rate as one of the best put-down's I have ever seen.
Totally agree with you
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